I have not slept for a couple of nights.
Andd not because of parties.
I have been too afraid to. At twenty years old I am suddenly afraid of the dark. I cannot move, I find myself crying. All of this arose after I saved my brothers life the other night.
He is a insulin dependent diabetic, a couple nights ago he worked out and went to bed. Not realizing that he had given himself some insulin which now because of the exercise would be drastically more potent. Around this same time I was up playing guitar and watching television. Getting ready for bed. Thank God I had a small dinner because I came out of my room and got a snack. Since I was up I heard my brothers bed squeaking. He was dying. His blood sugar had sunk to a level that his body was failing on him. His brain in distress was having a seizure.
I opened the door to his room, he looked at me. With eyes filled with fear he tried to say help. As he did this his jaw clamped shut his eyes rolled to the back of his head and blood poured out of his mouth. I yelled so loudly I felt something pulled out of place in my throat. My mom and I administered an emergency hormone shot which temporally releases sugar from the liver and he was conscious enough to get some food in his system.
I saved his life, he tells me this every time a relative calls to speak to him about his hospital stay.
These words fill me with utter fear. I am so horrified of his mortality. I cannot sleep.
After going to confession today and speaking with a priest at my Catholic church, I felt hope. The fear vanished for a while and I got to thinking about fear and hope.
These two emotions are constant they stay with us until the day we die. Emotions are like being wet. There is a degree of wetness, as well as many many many different conotations, and implications which come from being wet and or having an emotion. But fear and hope are some of the most primal and early developed emotions, along with joy.
This year I have heard fear and hope brought up during all aspects of my life. Politics obviously, religion, family, all my hobbies, and yes you guessed it during discussions of music.
Why? because I believe these two emotions strike the spirit not the heart of a person. Fear and hope set the tone of all our sadness and happiness in life. Imagine eating a cup cake if you had no hope of ever eating one again? Or eating the same cup cake if you had a fear of cup cakes? The happiness/sadness that arose from the first example would be intensified, while the happiness/sadness which arises from the second would be numb by the fear which is overtaking the spirit and mind.
Hope is reassurance of action, while fear is a call to action.
I have hope so I can continue to live my life. While fear freezes me until I have reached a point to decide on an action.
Sadly my hope is vanishing with each minute. Now it is dark. I am afraid.
I wonder what action should I take?
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I think you should take actions for survival. Life is a game of survival. That is why precautions, and preperations are given for potentially dangerous activities. Your brother was given those shots by his doctors as a tool for survival in such situations. You and your parents were taught how to administer that shot. Guess what happened? He survived.
ReplyDeleteYes, you could call it luck that you found him, but ultimately, it was up to how handled the situation.
Heed precautions, take preventative measures. It can keep you safe. It can keep you alive.
Yeah thats what i'm thinking too. It's hard to focus and stay on track when things like this happen. They snap you back to reality. We are not invincible. Life is short. Even going to school is hopeful thinking. Who knows if you will ever use your degree.
ReplyDeleteI live my life in fear everyday. Fear that another person in my life will vanish. I've lost so many, capped with my best friend who I lost last July to a blood clot. We had so many plans for the future that I will have to now finish alone. He wrote a song one day, and I have dedicated myself to getting it heard. When he passed, I was working at a convenience store. I remember crying every night when I locked the doors and cleaned the store. I still do. Now, when I look at his words on paper, I shudder at the fact that all I have of him is some clothes and a few song lyrics. However, they make me feel close enough to him to not give up. My problems escalate way beyond the loss of loved ones, however, the pain in this world helps me to continue my dream,... our dream, to be successful songwriters. So, in the future, when you turn on your car radio and hear the song, "Tired of This", think about Brian Fox.
ReplyDeleteMusic is beautiful..its the best way to work through something..it lets you get away yet still work through it. I hope you do get the song played.
ReplyDeleteHaving a loved one on the border of life and death is utterly consuming. I speak from experience. Even now that my daughter is "cancer free," I feel paralyzed by the possibility that her cancer could return.
ReplyDeleteI can offer no comfort other than the simple fact that she is alive right now. And I try to do everything I can to celebrate that fact. Although it is impossible, I encourage myself to put those other thoughts aside and to keep on living, enjoying every moment.